Gift From God

 I believe in God.I’ve had many trials in my life,yet I have held on to my belief & trust in God.I believe there has been many times that ”things” have been tried to  lead away from God.But,I have always held strong & trusted Him to see me through.I believe I’m going through one of those trials right now.

  My husband lost his job a year ago this month [November] due to the plant he worked in shutting down.When State Unemployment ran out,a Federal one kicked in.In just a couple of weeks that Federal Unemployment will run out & we will have no income.We have a mortgage & 5 kids at home [ages 6 -16].Gas bills will soon be coming in.Our chilly old house is not insulated.Christmas is next month.2 of my sons [1 of which is legally blind in 1 eye] need new glasses.I need to go to the doctor & have blood work to be able to get my medications renewed for my heart problem.I will be able to pay November’s bills.I don’t have the money to pay bills in December.

   My husband has looked for work.He worked in skilled trades – Industrial Maintenance.He has many letters of recommendation & great work history.He is veteran – air Force.Yet,he has not been able to get a job;even gets told that he is “over-qualified” for many jobs.

  During this financial hard time,my eyes were opened to the gift that God gave me…photography.Photography is not cheap.It can get very expensive with all of the film & printing.Honestly,it can take several rolls of film to get that one photo that I saw in my mind’s eye.Can you say expensive?!

   The last couple of days I have been having confused feelings about what to do.I know God has a plan.I just don’t know what it is,yet.I have been feeling this need to work a lot more with my camera.We really don’t have the money for it.Yet,I feel God has this in HIS plan for me.

   I am not an impulsive person that blows money.One of our kids was born 16 weeks premature in 1995.We were so badly in debt that bill collectors begged us to file bankruptcy.I believe that is the right way for some people…that is what God wants some to do.But,I refused,believing God would see us through the debt.That He wanted us to go the LONG,HARD road of paying it off.He did.Even when we finally had that all squared away a few years ago,I still didn’t impulsively spend money.I always felt God showed me to save & look ahead & help others when we could.I’ve always had to shop around for the best deals.I was never one to spend money on myself because someone else might need something.This has been so bad,that my oldest daughter bought me a pair of tennis shoes for my birthday, because she couldn’t stand seeing me wear my several year old pair…with holes… in the snow.

   Now,in a time where we will soon be without income & have debt,I feel this need to pursue photography.It gets worse [if that's even the correct word],I have a friend that moved to Colorado.Over the phone, she told me about the wildlife around her.Since then,I have been feeling like I should go photograph there.That sounds so crazy to me since we don’t have any money.

   Over the last couple of days,that feeling of going to visit my friend in Colorado & take photos has become very intense.I have struggled with the craziness of that.That brought me to the point of sitting down & going over bills,again.I then started to deal with feelings of depression.That started to put many doubts in my head about my photography;even to the point of saying maybe I should put away my camera for a while & stop.

  Friday,I took some photos of my grandson.I didn’t feel my heart was in it.When Tim,my husband,picked up the prints,he was informed that my photos were the best that come through this place to be developed.The lady said ,”Your wife has talent!”

  Saturday,after several things going wrong,it looked like my plans to photograph some kids weren’t going to happen.I sat at the park & almost cried.I felt empty.I felt like I had lost my inspiration to take even 1 picture.I came home feeling emotionally awful & like I failed.Couldn’t tell you what or who I failed.

  I sat here confused & thought what does God want  me to do?My friend showed up,with her kids,wondering if I was going to the park.Honestly,it took everything I had to go out.I didn’t want to.I wanted to sit here & wallow in my misery [not like me!].But,I went.The first couple of shots that I took,felt mechanical.So,I took a moment & reminded myself that God gave me a gift.I thought,”God,please guide me….If You want me to continue,show me.” Next thing I knew I felt that desire & drive & took 4 rolls.You can see the post I made last night to see a couple of the pictures.

  When Tim picked up the photos,the man in that department stopped him to talk.This was a different developing place than we used on Friday.This man told Tim that I had a lot of talent.He loved my shots.Turns out this man had trained under a professional.He also told my husband that many of my photos are better than some “professionals”. I was shocked to hear all of this.

  I woke this morning & poured my heart out to Tim about the struggles I have been going through the past few days.God gave me that time yesterday of not feeling the inspiration of His gift & it felt AWFUL!!!! He put these 2 people in our path to reassure that others could see something in my photos.Yet,I told Tim that I can not get over this feeling that I should go to Colorado to take photos.Yet,unless Tim gets a job right away,there is no money for me to go.Tim was very supportive.Of course,Tim can’t give me the answers.But,I had one more reminder that God has blessed me with a wonderful husband.

  So,here I sit knowing that financially, photography is not something I can afford to be doing.Yet,I know it is what God has blessed me with.I trust that God will show me the path or open the doors to allow me to do what He is calling me to do.I will let you know when I know.

  I’m sorry this post has been so long & there are no photos.But,maybe this all will help someone who may be going through a similar struggle know they are not crazy or alone.So,even if it’s that 1 person…….

  I hope I made you smile.Until next time…….

  

Tags: calling, Colorado, develop, emotions, family, feelings, film, finance, financial, financial needs, God, money, photography, photos, prayers, premature baby, premature child, struggles, unemployed